Emptiness Inside

In sipping coffee with a friend we talked and laughed about a great many things. She stated something that made me pause and consider why it resonated so powerfully. “God fills us because He created us”, she said. I recalled being told “You will always need God because your husband will never be enough for you and you will never be enough for him.” What about Jerry Maguire’s “you complete me.” The romanticism of that line won the hearts of many as it roared through pop culture and was reiterated in memes, Valentine’s Day cards, and, I would bet, even marriage vows. That is simply a lie.

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My New Lens

We said good-bye to Jason’s cousin who had stopped by to visit. As the door closed, I said, “I can’t in good conscious agree with the criticisms you both were making about Harvard’s black student commencement.” Jason read a headline about Harvard convening its first commencement just for black graduate students and that tipped off a litany of criticisms by him and his cousin. The whole thing felt misunderstood even though I had not read the article. “What if it’s to celebrate the graduation of those students who historically had been discriminated against? What if this is a way to make amends and lift those students?” I asked. “That adds to the divisiveness of race issues, it makes things worse.” he retorted. I felt my walls of defense around me begin to rise, it felt like an attack on programs created to promote opportunity for students from underprivileged backgrounds. Affirmative action comes to mind, my entry to University of Florida comes to mind. I snapped back “I got in to UF because of a minority recruitment and retention program and it gave me special tutoring just for the minority students. Is that wrong? I needed that tutoring. I am not going to apologize for receiving that! I am just as deserving of an opportunity as anyone else and I am living proof that the program works. My life is a testament to that!”

This isn’t the first time Jason and I have discussed or argued about issues surrounding race and social justice. We could not have been raised in more different circumstances. He is your quintessential farm-raised, country boy from a small town in middle America. I am from the transient bustling melting pot that is South Florida and my roots are firmly anchored in the mountains of Panama and the mountains of Puerto Rico where my mother and father are from, respectively. I was born in Panama but raised in the United States. He is white non-Hispanic/Latino and I am white Hispanic/Latino. Our life narratives reflect, among other things, what people see and what society values.

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Receiving Graciously

 

Jason had his long awaited cervical fusion at C6-C7 on June 19, 2017. Nine months ago our health insurance denied his claim for this treatment two days before the surgery, so we held our breath through Father’s Day.

Through the days leading up to the surgery there were many friends and family who waited along side of us with abated breath to see if we would get the dreaded call for cancellation again. One friend from work offered to do a prayer chain on Jason’s behalf if I wished. As June 18, 2017 was coming to an end, the reality of the surgery happening became real and the risks of the surgery began to weigh heavy. This was my husband, my life companion, friend, father of my children and anything going awry could have devastating implications. I reached out to my friend from work to ask for the prayer chain. She replied stating that they would be praying “…not only for Jason, but also the doctors and all those attending him get a good night’s rest and be alert and attentive tomorrow.” There was comfort in having others pray for Jason.

Jason did remarkably well and felt almost immediate relief from the symptoms he suffered for months. I shared pictures of before and after the surgery on Facebook. Family and friends visited at the hospital and home in the days that ensued. Friends from church, work and neighbors offered to bring meals to support our family during Jason’s recovery.

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